July 28, 2011

18 weeks to prepare

That's how long I had to "prepare" for my life to change forever. We found out at 17 weeks that Annabelle would be born with Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus. Then just 18 weeks later, two years ago today, July 28th 2009, I was at the hospital trying to stall labor a bit longer because I was only 35 weeks pregnant with a baby girl that would need immediate medical attention.

She only held out a little while. Annabelle entered the world at 2:10 am on July 29, 2009. If you would like to read more about Annabelle's entrance into the world click HERE.

Today has been a rough day. Now that everyone is in bed I am starting to think that it was more than just the "typical" struggles of having three kids (2 of them being boys!) aged 2, 4, and 6.

On the eve of my sweet girls birthday I know I should be filled with joy, happiness and thankfulness for the amazing girl that she is and for all the happiness she has brought to our family. I am all of those things (and more) most days, but honestly tonight I am feeling sad. I'm tired and a bit overwhelmed by the disarray my house is in and I'm premenstrual so that doesn't help the situation at all.

I'm sad about what we have lost
I'm sad for her current struggles and worried for her future ones
I'm sad that now she is older her differences are starting to become more apparent.
I'm sad that my baby is no longer a baby yet she has to crawl to get everywhere she wants to go

Yes, I'm having a pity party before we have the real party. Stupid, I know but it happens. I'm sad that I have once again let MY emotions take over the day. It started out a great day. I made banana pancakes (no she wouldn't even try them), we all played inside, then set up the slip in slide out back then the day just sort of fell apart and so did I.

Such a waste of a good day. I'm ashamed that my poor children had to see me cry today. They were confused and so was I. I'm glad to turn the light out on tonight and wake up tomorrow happy, thankful and ready to celebrate Annabelle for all that she is and all that she will be. Like I said these were my emotions today - not hers. She, as always (except when she's acting 2) was happy as can be.

This is probably the only thing she remembers from today. Here she is like a big girl listening to some tunes on her brothers "Ipod" aka Mp3 player :-) She was having a blast!

I know - she doesn't seem sad or struggling. No need to point out the obvious!

Thanks for loving me friends.
Thanks for not judging me and allowing me to be honest.
Thanks for not telling me anymore "how strong I am" because when I cry in private I don't feel so very strong.
Thanks in advance for lending a hand with my boys next time you see us since I've been a little hard on them and I feel bad about it.
Thanks for helping me celebrate my wonderful and amazing daughter tomorrow!


  1. I'm so sorry you had such a hard day today. Don't ever be ashamed of it. We have to feel weak so that we can be made strong. We have to feel pain so that we can recognize true joy. Thankfully, days like today pass and you get to start anew tomorrow! Happy Birthday, Annabelle!

  2. Happy Birthday Annabelle, an amazing girl with an amazing mum. :) The struggles with my two are put into perspective - thank you for being so honest; sometimes everyone around seems to cope so well with being a parent it's nice to realise that they're just good at hiding the tough times! Thinking of you. xx

  3. I love you sweet friend. Thank you for always being the open, beautiful, heart-felt, amazing mommy and friend that I can relate to and depend upon. I cherish your friendship and delight in your sweet Belle. Happy Birthday to my future daughter-in-law. :)

  4. We all have our hard days. (Well, SB or not!) And I know you enough to expect that the next blog post will be with a different outlook. Sometimes we all just need some rest and a do-over.

  5. Ah - we are all there sometimes, and that's ok. It's hard for all those reasons you mentioned - and it's nice to know I am not alone for feeling sad sometimes, for wishing my sweetheart could pull up to stand like all the "other" kids his age, and for wishing my worries about his future were as vague as whether or not he would get into his preferred college. Happy Birthday Annabelle! Today will be a better day!

  6. I Love You my Sweet Girl! I'm so sorry you had such a hard day. I am thankful you are able to put it down in writing & get it out, I do think just doing that process helps a little. You have every right to feel all these things & when the new day comes (hopefully after some sleep) you all will start a fresh new happy day. You are an AMAZING Woman & Mother & I am SO PROUD of you! Happy Birthday to our Beautiful Little Princess Annabelle, I can't believe she is 2. <3<3

  7. OH Nicole...I miss you so much right now, and I'm sending you the biggest, tightest hug I can fit through this computer. I've been in a funk too...and feeling guilty for it. The good news is, it always passes, and our precious babies will continue to inspire us, and strengthen us for whatever this next year brings. I love you, and Sweet Belle. And I'm sending Happy Birthday wishes to you both today!

  8. oh Nicole, We all have our days...lots of them. :) The good days greatly outnumber the bad, but oh how bad those days can be. I admire you for being so open and honest with how you are feeling today. I miss you and love you and so wish that I could jump through this computer to give you a hug and scoop up that sweet girl of yours. Lots of love to you on this special day!

  9. Thank you all so very much for your kind and understanding words. It truly helps so much to know that I am not alone in how I was feeling yesterday. It helped me so much to get it out and share and then to be validated by so many. I am very happy to share that I woke happy and eager to celebrate Annabelle's 2nd birthday. It was a GREAT day today. Thank you! xoxo

  10. It's so true, the bad days can be oh so bad. I find the milestones dates - even the happiest ones - sort of eat at me a bit as well. Some parts seem to get harder as they get older, some things don't bother me at all anymore! Despite all the bad days, she is still a wonder and an amazing little girl with an inspiring, wonderful mom. I'm happy to hear her birthday was a good one :) xo